Nashville, Tennessee (Ceuters) – It was supposed to be the "Comet of the Century". Instead, it became yet another victim of the global warming.
On Thursday, Comet ISON was approaching the perihelion, the closest point to the Sun on its trajectory. Centuries ago, before the climate began to change, such a moment in the life of a comet would be an important event for the religious societies (for example, Virgin Mary gave a birth when she saw the Comet of Bethlehem – and virgins rarely give a birth while looking at the sky) but it would be an unremarkable event from the comet's viewpoint because the Earth used to greet the comets as a friend.
However, in a sign of the planetary emergency, Comet ISON was largely destroyed. The experts are not quite sure about the cause but most of the researchers mention the global warming. The Solar System is being catastrophically heated up by the man-made emissions of CO2, especially by those produced by the corporations in countries with GDP per capita exceeding $20,000, particularly those countries which tolerate a larger number of the climate change deniers, heretics, and other contrarians. In fact, some scholars propose an extension of the greenhouse effect, the phonetic greenhouse effect, that hypothesizes that the repetition of the climate deniers' talking points heats the atmosphere up by itself. These deniers sometimes call themselves "skeptics" but it is a preposterous naming scheme because a true skeptic is skeptical about the claim that our planet will exist even after the 2047 Earth Day.
Christian Doppler was born 190 years ago."One must be very careful while connecting any particular destruction of a comet with the global warming," John Kerry Manuel, a professor of aqua-astronomic emergency at MIT pointed out. "But in this case and many others in which the events are really harmful to the nations of the world and the claim about the global warming connection sounds sexy, the verdict is unambiguous: global warming did it." Manuel also revealed another argument why global warming is probably the cause of all these events: Whenever he wrote a paper claiming that the global warming is behind them, his grants went up. So this explanation must be valid, he believes, and he will increase the number of such papers in order to make the statement even more true.
Just in recent months, global warming caused a typhoon in the Philippines, torrential rainfall in Sardinia, and a storm at Target, a large shop in Los Angeles. In recent years, it was also responsible for the destruction of Afghan poppies, the African holocaust, and 800+ other tragedies.
In fact, the list of the devastating impacts of global warming is so long that not a single person on Earth is capable of keeping track of all these catastrophes.
But from a perspective, the most recent victim of global warming represents worse news than all the previous ones. In other words, the global warming is worse than previously thought.
Katherine Highwhore, a professor of comparative religious climatological literature at Texas Tech University who was admitted to be a climate babe even by Rush Limbaugh, points out that that it was widely expected by her colleagues that Comet ISON was actually Jesus Christ who was coming to Earth. "One sign of that is that the name ISON actually means 'I, Son of God'," she observed. "Jesus Christ may therefore be added to the long list of casualties of the global warming. Instead of giving Him thanks on this Thanksgiving Day, we killed him by our greenhouse gas emissions just like if we were the Jews who did 1980 years earlier." Her insights resonate with the vibrant and strengthening movement among the Christians who are gradually realizing that the Bible was just a draft God wrote when He was preparing to pen An Inconvenient Truth. The efforts to eliminate carbon dioxide from our lives and establish the Marxist rules for the society isn't a political or scientific issue; it is a moral and religious one.
The scientific explanation of the carbon dioxide's ability to destroy comets goes back to the early 19th century when Joseph Fourier noticed that extra greenhouse gases (gases absorbing the thermal infrared radiation emitted by the Earth's surface and atmosphere due to their nonzero temperature) in the atmosphere increase the equilibrium temperature near the surface. Consequently, the thermal radiation of the Earth itself gets stronger. And it is this thermal radiation that melted and destroyed nearby Comet ISON. Its ices have vaporized by the same CO2-centric mechanism that will vaporize Antarctica's ice sheet by 2020, too. Without the protection of the ices, the comet's iron core was torn apart much like the Earth's own iron core will be torn apart by James Hansen's birthday in 2021.
Some conservative media continue to dedicate space to long-debunked theories that natural factors such as the Sun may have affected the comet's fate. Such theories contradict a vast majority of the climate models, however. "The Sun is just a tiny inconsequential point in the sky," Gavin Schidt, a professor of climate science at Tom's Diner in New York, suggestively argues as he rhythmically waves his hands. "It's a cherry on a pie, if you will, a decoration that makes a warm and sunny day even more pleasant than it would be otherwise. A quantitative analysis of the climate isn't about human feelings, however. Well over 97% of the climate models neglect this celestial object because it is so small. In fact, the Sun isn't even a planet. So the Sun cannot possibly be important. If the Sun were important for the climate, 192 national academies would have to be wrong and it is impossible."
Pal Snore, Schidt's colleague here in Nashville, agrees: "What could be the cause? Just look around. Do you see the large flat rock beneath us, the Earth? That's the cause. Due to the greenhouse gases, the interior of the Earth is extremely hot, several million degrees."
The individuals who keep on repeating the long-debunked theories that the Sun, ocean currents, fluctuations in Earth's orbit, and random changes of the weather matter for the climate are known as the climate deniers. Among researchers, their percentage is unbelievably small. Their concentration is as small as the concentration of hair after you throw a climate-denying puppy to a huge gas tank filled with carbonic acid in order to perform a school presentation of the greenhouse effect. And the universities, schools, companies, and soccer clubs continue to fire these deniers, converging closer to a complete consensus at an unstoppable rate. And we mean it quite literally.
"It is important for the media to avoid a false sense of balance and only listen the 97% true experts who are affiliated with the most famous academic institutions which doesn't include atmospheric physicists at subpar schools such as MIT," Dr Naomi Odřezky, an author of a groundbreaking work on the non-existence of climate deniers and a professor of history at Harvard University, reminded all 95 science writers specializing in climate change in our press agency.
"Most climate researchers I know of haven't even talked to a denier in their life," Justin Peeper, an instructor at the James Cook Elementary School in Queensland, Australia and a personal adviser to John Cook, a renowned and award-winning blogger at Skeptical Science, rightfully boasts. "I am one of the shining exceptions who have interacted with them. When I was debunking the claimed role of the Sun, I simply said: Look, the intensity of the Sun is almost constant so why should it damage the comet exactly when it is close to the Earth?" And I won. Ask all the media folks.
The whole expedition of Ceuters' reporters was extremely impressed by Mr Peeper's deep knowledge, his bow tie, and his ability to present difficult scientific concepts in laymen's terms – traits that put Mr Peeper so highly above the climate deniers who are being paid by the evil oil corporations. But he didn't stop. He overwhelmed us with his unmatched knowledge of the numbers, too. "Moreover, the minimal distance between the comet and the Sun – the distance at the perihelion – was 1,860,000 kilometers. That's almost 18,000 times longer than the distance between Washington D.C. and Tehran and believe me that we have thought that the latter distance had to be very large before we became friends a week ago. Or at least America began to treat Iran as its friend."
One thing is clear. We are already living in a vastly different world than our ancestors who didn't know what a typhoon, thunderstorm, torrential rain, cloudy sky, or melted comet was. Ancestors who lived in a paradise with a constantly perfect, harmless weather on the planet where lions were only eating grass (before they kindly ask to have a bite) and farting (freon-free, carbon-free) perfume scents and where no one was emitting any CO2.
The future generations (more precisely, one generation because the mankind will go extinct soon even if we manage to arrest all the climate deniers today) will remember this year as the Age of the Stupid. "Why didn't they act once they saw the demolished comet and why didn't they revert all the industrialization?" the last living man in 2055 will ask.
Sadly, some of the conservative media and weblogs don't understand the true meaning of "balance". They won't interview the billions of people who are painfully dying around 2020. They won't interview the late Comet ISON that has lived for 5.5 million years to be suddenly destroyed by the most despicable species that lives on the Earth. Comet ISON's fate may turn out to be a meaningful sacrifice at the end, one that will eliminate several deniers and prolong the life of this green planet from 2047 to 2048.