People say that the U.S. army sometimes defends the American lives. But the deans of Harvard have turned out to be much more vital for the preservation of the bare lives of members of the Harvard community, citizens of the People's Republic of Cambridge, and the mankind in general.
As described in The Harvard Crimson, they have discovered and largely neutralized an extremely dangerous individual that makes all known terrorists look like pacifiers. By doing so, they have proven that they are the right men for their work and they do a very important job.
The Harvard College has admitted the record low 5.2% of the applications for the Class of 2020. You could think that these 1,119 young people would pose no existential threat to the safety at the campus but you would be entirely wrong. I sincerely hope that you are already pißing into your pants because it is very, very cereal.
Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana and Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons have turned one of their biggest projects – for which they are earning less than a million dollars per year – into reality and they ordered some people to create a Class of 2020 Facebook Page for the newly admitted students. With the help of this page, the young nice people have a new channel to meet.
However, not all of them expected what happened later. One of the heroic Harvard deans has spotted a hyperlink pointing from the newly created Facebook page to more private pages called "Cambridge Community College (Triple C Gang)" at GroupMe.com, a less well-known messaging service. Everything could have been safe but the dean was feeling suspicious. So he accumulated all his courage and clicked at the hyperlink.
What happened? He saw a parody of trading cards which is already bad enough and... I can't even handle that. It's so terrible that I am not sure whether I will be able to press CTRL/C and CTRL/V. OK, let me try:
Another user in the GroupMe included a screenshot of a tweet mocking feminists.Can you imagine that? And this main culprit had accomplices who have posted jokes that may be said to be racially charged even though, for obvious reasons, no one can be told what the jokes were.
In a forum that some other people could have gotten to if they were not careful, this prospective Harvard student re-posted a tweet mocking feminists. As all of you know, feminists are among the most important and most equal people in the world.
To fight for the equality of sexes, most of them sacrifice themselves and keep their heads inside their vaginas 24 hours a day. And this young terrorist has... mocked them! Fortunately, he or she didn't invent the tweet himself or herself. A screenshot was re-posted. But you must agree that it's worse than 9/11s all over under the Sun.
When this staggering observation was made, the deans have immediately contacted all other Harvard deans and the Pentagon. All the deans have made the first basic steps to defend the survival of Harvard and published the statement:
Harvard College and the Office of Admissions and Financial Aid were troubled and disappointed to see a conversation that included graphics with offensive themes. This exchange occurred independently of Harvard College through a link posted by students to a closed messaging group, and we have removed this link from our Facebook group.At least the first step to minimize the casualties was made. Interim Dean of Student Life Thomas A. Dingman has received the task to investigate the incident and impose additional measures that will eliminate the risk that something similar will occur in the future. Gitmo was immediately offered to deal with the dangerous high school student. Dingman said:
The students who posted the messages in question have not received any disciplinary action and are not matriculated students at this point.At a special gathering of 15 other Harvard deans, you could hear the relief. "I see," some of them said. "So the dangerous young terrorist who has re-posted a tweet mocking the feminists hasn't managed to penetrate into Harvard University yet. Thank God." The fact that the terrorist has received a letter of admission obviously doesn't mean anything. Everyone agrees that the fight for feminism is more important.
Despite the fact that the impact of this malicious terrorist attack against the key values defining Harvard University has been minimized by the deletion of the hyperlink and the observation that the terrorist hasn't penetrated to the college yet, everyone at Harvard remained petrified, as you can imagine.
It has become standard for members of the community to denounce the terrorists after every terrorist attack. The same thing had to be done after the dangerous, anti-feminist tweet was discovered and the 1,118 prospective students were asked to denounce the terrorist.
“What I read on the Facebook page suggests these posts were pretty offensive, I kind of expected Harvard to be more accepting and less offensive,” Wang, who was not on the group message, said.Cherri Wang, a prospective student from Pleasanton, California, is an example of the youngsters who were lucky. She didn't know how to use GroupMe.com which has basically saved her life. But it is not hard to predict the catastrophic consequences if someone has ever taught her to use the messaging service. On that bloody day, she could have very well clicked at the hyperlink at the Facebook page and discover... a tweet that mocks the feminists! Needless to say, her life would be completely ruined.
Still, the students expressed concern about the controversial messages. “I was pretty surprised that would have happened, especially at Harvard,” Wang said.She doesn't need to know about the content of the tweet and other messages. It is enough to tell her that they could have been almost... politically incorrect. And she already collapses under the idea because the unknown tweets and messages must have been really bad.
At the end, the event wasn't too much worse than 9/11 because the young terrorist was almost the only one who saw the tweet mocking the feminists. It will be enough to close the Harvard campus for a week and increase the salary of the deans by extra 10% which will allow them to deal with similar extraordinary situations in the future. But it could have been much worse. And that's why the deans have to work hard – and 24 hours a day – to make sure that nothing like that can even remotely take place again. Everytime a person is discovered who looks like there is a nonzero probability that he could retweet an anti-feminist tweet, the individual has to be contained. A new special dean who will follow discussions at GroupMe.com will be hired. Several other newly appointed deans will monitor the newly installed microphones in student dormitories and in their syringes with cocaine.
The former prospective student shouldn't overshadow all the wonderful, politically correct students who already study at Harvard. The Central Committee has particularly appreciated a sensitive and exemplary student Ted Waechter who has pointed out that everything is about race. Every building in Greater Boston is a proof of the genocide committed by the stinky even pale white man against all races. The evil white man has to be trampled upon and race must be on our minds every 49 seconds, more often than the sexual desires. It's all about race. Waechter has also urged everyone not to trust Bernie Sanders because Sanders is still far too right-wing.
Waechter is the kind of a balanced role model for everyone, a student who is alright, who is ready to live in the real world and help others, who would never mock a feminist, and whose skull isn't filled with ideological feces at all. In order to increase the diversity and tolerance at the campus, all 1,118 remaining Harvard prospective students must be turned into accurate clones of Ted Waechter, all the deans have agreed, and those who can't be repaired must be put down. "Every Republican, Libertarian, Christian, climate denier, or a completely white student at the campus who remains at large makes our campus less welcoming and less diverse," a new dean pointed out.
Harvard alumnus Al Gore agreed but he also emphasized sustainability in his Harvard talk. He has complained about the climate deniers who have prepared the April snow-and-rain weather for Saturday. When he traveled from New York, the non-spring weather fabricated by the climate deniers led to the cancellation of his flight so he had to drive. "The deniers did it in order to mock the Gore effect," Gore pointed out, referring to the 97% correlation between snowstorms and chilly weather and his location.
More seriously, the comment was originally written at the top of the blog post but I didn't want to spoil the hoax too early.
Even a decade ago, the time I spent with the Harvard Crimson, a newspaper published by the students, was limited. It remained low in recent years but the amount of stuff related to the political correctness that appears in that journal has grown to impressive proportions so I open the website twice a week and may move it to my daily bookmarks because the level of insanity that has spread there is nearly entertaining, at least if one is thousands of miles away.