Saturday, July 02, 2016

CERN clarifies the new portal created on June 24th

First, there were just rumors. However, some of the most prestigious media outlets such as The Freedom Fighter Times (see the video below) and The Daily Express (along with the Daily Star, the Sun, the Inquisitr, and RT) have figured out that something was going on.

The video is highly pedagogic and has already been watched by more than 100,000 of the world's best experts specializing in the LHC portals. It also teaches the viewers what the "background" means (something you can buy on Google); and helps you to understand the calendar and the concept of a week (plus the fact that May has just 30 days).

I couldn't believe that CERN would do anything dangerous, however. So I asked the director of CERN, Bafiola Faggotti, to clarify some of the basic issues for us.

Ciao Bafiola, what's up?

Ahoj Luboši.

The Freedom Fighter Times managed to photograph the portal that opened right above CERN on June 24th. Most people are primarily interested in the main question: Is it the end of the world?

No, the event was a pre-scheduled routine operation designed to refresh our collider, the LCH. (The Daily Express managed to find the actual name, LCH, of the hardon, but let me use the code name LHC in the rest of the interview, in order to keep top classified information top classified.) A day earlier, the British voters decided that they wanted to leave the European Union. So CERN, the largest scientific laboratory in the world, was given the natural task to shoot the United Kingdom along with the British former employees of CERN out of Europe and CERN through a wormhole or a portal, as we insiders call it.

Isn't it dangerous? How does it work?

It is not dangerous at all. The probability that the Earth would cease to exist was lower than 10%. That's exactly how much the world stocks collapsed on June 24th once we informed them about the new portal.

The portal arises as a Coleman instanton in a dual ER=EPR spacetime applied on the spin foam surrounding CERN in the graviweak variables. Ask Garrett Lisi and Eric Weinstein how it works if you want some details.

But the concentration of the energy is too high, isn't it?

No. CERN only consumes as much energy as the households in the nearby city of Geneva. This energy was used for the teleportation portal on June 24th. It's fair that physicists use the nuclear energy produced in France because they discovered the nuclear energy in the first place.

Lord Shiva, Dr Faggotti's boss.

Isn't there a way for the laymen to understand why the LHC portal has anything to do with Brexit?

Yes, of course. If you look at the June 24th portal carefully, you will realize that it's the same cloud that wasn't a cloud at all and that was photographed by a father-of-three and published in early June.

What seems like a cloud is actually Lady Thatcher, the mother of the LHC collider.

Thank you for the interview. We wish you dozens of equally nice, successful, and safe portals.

The CERN logo is a permuted "666" representing the devil. The devilish nature of the organization is also supported by its director who is something that is the devil, too: a woman.

RT suggests that the portal is a joint project of CERN and the Ghostbusters. But at the end, the Ghostbusters closed the portal to the spirit world.

You must have heard that there is the European Football Championship in France right now. A match is seen above. Some crackpots are trying to play the matches without the high-energy protons, too. I doubt that it can be interesting in this way.

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