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Interview with Dr Spaghetti on the relocation of the diphoton excess

It's a pleasure to have you here, the CERN director Ms Raviola Spaghetti. You were heard saying that the diphoton excess at 750 GeV hasn't disappeared. It has just moved elsewhere.

RS: I urge everyone to avoid rumors. You will hear the actual diphoton results at ICHEP-2016 in Chicago in early August.

OK, but didn't you say that the diphoton has just jumped to another place?

RS: I forgot what I said about the excess.

Your CMS colleague Pasta-Pizza Tortelloni-Tortellini said that anyway, it's not disappeared. It has just relocated.

RS: If you read the following tweet carefully, you will see that Pasta was talking about his neighbor Gnocchi-Macaroni Lasagne, not the diphoton excess.

Oh, that's interesting. So why did Pasta use the word "it"? Shouldn't the neighbor be referred to as "he" or "she"?

Pasta's neighbor Gnocchi-Macaroni Lasagne who has relocated was a bambino who may be referred to as "it". So dolce allegrissimo, vivace, forte piano!

Fine, it makes sense. Pasta's neighbor Lasagne was a kid.


But what about the slide of Eilam Gross at the SUSY-16 conference?

What about it?

I mean, why does the graph contain several copies of a kangaroo?

Because the conference is taking place in Melbourne, Australia, and the smallest continent where everyone is walking upside down is full of kangaroos. In 2011, 34 million kangaroos lived in commercial harvest areas there which was a staggering 40% increase from 2010.

Thanks for the lesson on the animals. But even in Australia, is it normal to have kangaroos on the ATLAS probability charts?

It's apparently more normal than you seem to think.

What does the word "elsewhere" on the slide mean?

It means "into a different place".

Thank you very much. I wanted to know what is the role played by the word on that ATLAS member's slide?

You have to ask Eilam Gross.

Fine, I will. But can you at least tell us where the kangaroo is jumping?

Kangaroos like to jump everywhere. They are also keen on carrying their babies in their breast pockets.

And why does Eilam Gross talk about wild roses in the context of the diphoton probability chart?

It's reference to a song by Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue who are Australian citizens, much like the kangaroos. Or like these Melbourne musicians who sing the well-known Czech song "I'm a musician and I'm coming from Australia". But it's pointless to tell you too much: If I show you the roses will you follow?

Can't we get a clearer answer, like an answer we would get from a true man?

You were just clearly discriminating against us, the women. If a male director, e.g. an old white Aryan one, makes 750 achievements, everyone is impressed and people write 400 papers even though the 750 achievements were fake. When a signorita director is going to make 1600 real achievements, no one gives a damn.

The Tricci-a-povyeri (Tricks and Superstitions) band: The Italian man doesn't know the miracle, and that's why his body is decaying. He doesn't know the miracle, dumplings-pork-cabbage and beer. But following his own request, he was hired as the director of the Fiat Corporation. Parmesan is spread over bread.

That's very interesting. So have you made those 1600 achievements?

I haven't claimed anything of the sort. It was just an example.

Thank you very much for the interview and your somewhat clear answers. The situation is more transparent than it was before but we will probably have to wait for ICHEP-2016 in the early August, anyway.

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