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Will cannibalism utilizing the LIGO members' flesh save the Earth?

Like many others, a well-known journal named after some people practicing the scientific method was advocating cannibalism as a universal cure for the world's problems in recent days:

As Swedish researcher Dr Grandus Soberson of Lund University, building on the previous insights by Dr Helen-Meghan Gramberg presented in the United Nations and the Holy Father's bedroom, has figured out, the transition to the consumption of human flesh may warm or cool the Earth by as much as 0.12 picokelvins which means that it must be considered "salvation of the Earth".
As all concerned scientists know, the shift of the global mean temperature by 0.12 picokelvins in an unknown direction is the most important task facing mankind in its efforts to survive. But our scientific journal goes beyond the obvious observation of other mainstream media – that people have to switch to cannibalism:
In fact, a more detailed research by scientists from the Institutes for Global Change in the states of Louisiana and Washington have outlined a particular plan to do so. LIGO remains in doubt and according to the best i.e. loudest critics, it hasn't seen any waves. That makes the LIGO members an optimal choice for the replacement of the first tons of beef.
It seems a little bit arbitrary to me why LIGO members were chosen – instead of the ATLAS or CMS members, for example. As some stellar scientists in the world have also pointed out, particle accelerators are also useless which is why their members could be eaten before the LIGO flesh.

At least everything is ready:
The menu was written down in a research paper by a Western European team. Its leader, Dr Hildegarda Krachsenpot-Scheisehachsen, Bavaria's first female tenured professor of composition of menus serving defunct physicists, has included Rainer Weiss, Barry Barish, and Kip Thorne as appetizers. The ideal consumer who should eat them – before the flesh of the other LIGO members is utilized – is a Thorne's Caltech colleague who promotes the Many Worlds Interpretation. That has the extra advantage of creating a new world in which the climate change has been stopped and the atmosphere became static.
At least everything makes sense and all of us may join the consensus.

And the diversity in science brings its additional fruits:
In fact, a diverse international collaboration of scientists has found a preemptive solution to the expected widespread complaint by the children, "why is the meat so stiff today?" The teachers are nannies are recommended to answer: "Shut up and eat. You know that Prof Thorne was already old." Whenever this method is meticulously applied, children love the flesh as much as they liked the beef. And if a kid disagrees, he or she is turned into a dessert for other children which makes the flesh even softer in average.
More seriously, what the activists in the media are currently promoting is insane, despicable, immoral, and crazy: they urge us to abandon the basic tenets of the civilization which have evolved through millenniums of of progress – such as the world-class hard science, the cheap energy, and the ban on cannibalism – while they are pushing alternative theories and solutions that self-evidently don't help or solve anything.

Can you see the LIGO on the map? The Hanford, WA LIGO is seen, too.

I believe that we're in the stage in which these tendencies are exponentially expanding, along with the influence of increasingly filthy human trash over powerful institutions, and it's dangerous. I am afraid that kilotons of these activists have to prematurely die before we will observe any tangible counter-pressure that stops the growth of the insanity.

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