Guest blog by Prof Dr Maria LePen-Sklo-Kaczynski
I am an ingenious intersectional lady. For my whole life, since I was 3 years old, I was working on a theory of everything. And I have just completed it. It seems necessary to quickly publish it because I've heard about some Italian competition that also claims to complete the theory.
In fact, mine isn't just a theory of everything. It is the grandmother of all theories of everything from which all other theories of everything gradually arise. The magic trick is the theories' friendly multicultural cooperation with the other theories and their complete equality. The individual theories are increasingly holistic and intersectional and their grandmother makes them ever more progressive.
How did I make the most important breakthrough in the history of mankind? I had to correct some mistakes that other well-known physicists have done in the past. For example, Isaac Newton couldn't have gotten as far as I could because he was just a man and therefore less equal to others than I am. He imagined that the Universe was controlled by the clockwork God. But that is just a naive, male approximation. In fact, the boss of the Universe is a lawyer and a manager (CEO). None of them is quite at the top and the holy trinity is completed by the Secretary of the Human Resources. She makes sure that the cosmic lawyer and the cosmic manager never say a reactionary sentence, otherwise She would replace them with a waitress.
My meta-theory also solves the Schrödinger Cat Problem. Mr Erwin Schrödinger brought his cat to a problem so that it was half=dead. That is terrible. I figured out that the death would be a punishment. Unlike humans, cats are subject to presumption of innocence so even if she were predicted to be half-dead, under the network of deadly hammers, it will remain fully alive, and forever so. Cats are immortal which solves the cat's problem. Some people used to claim that a cat has \(\NNN=9\) problems. Under my meta-theory, this turned out to be an approximation. The precise result is\[
\NNN = \infty.
\] I have found that ingenious unifying reason why all the previous theories by colleagues such as Newton, Einstein, Heisenberg were not quite right. No one has noticed it before me but all these physicists have actually been white men, and therefore wrong. Some of them lost their path in the equations. How did I prevent disorientation in the grid of equations? I have banned them! It is as simple as it is ingenious. If a physicist ever wrote another equation, she or more likely he would be fired by the Cosmic Human Resources which stand above the cosmic lawyer and the cosmic manager.
My meta-theory of more-than-everything also removes all the trouble with Darwin's theory of evolution. It reverses science to the glorious Intelligent Design Constructor Theory.
I am grateful to Mr Dutch but he has been made redundant. If you found my presentation of my meta-theory too short, believe me that others will write many long books about my breakthrough soon. I expect to be celebrated at the Quanta Magazine soon. But I should probably change both of my last names first, to pass the only conditions that Quanta Magazine demands from the constructors of a theory of everything.
OK, a dumb joke. I didn't enjoy writing it because the fact that totally similar things are being seriously hyped everywhere simply makes me annoyed to an extent that can't be compensated by a parody.